Smile
by Lucylyles
Summary: After accidentally causing the death of a friend, Pinkie Pie was shunned. After years of battling with her own feelings, she decides that she can't keep going anymore, and writes one final letter to the friends she used to have. This, in turn, affects all of their friendships and lives in irreversible ways. TRIGGER WARNINGS: Suicide, depression. Most main characters will be used.
1. One Final Letter

"Now, I know that this may seem pretty sudden, but I… Well, I've been feeling this way for so long now. So, so long. I've tried to reach you to talk to you about it, but, of course, well… you never answer. I guess it's to be expected, it _has_ been years. And, um, I-I get it. You don't care about me anymore, I mean, I made so many mistakes, so why should you? I'd be surprised if you even ever read any of my letters. I'm sure you just throw them away, or burn them.

"I-I want to believe that you're just not receiving them, and that something's wrong with the mail, or that you moved, but I… I know that you're just ignoring me. I don't blame you. I… I-I could never blame you. If it wasn't for me… Well, you and everyone else sure would be a lot happier, huh? I-I was stupid. One of our friends even died because I was so stupid. If I was just paying attention, and not being so stupidly happy… She would still be here. And you and all the others wouldn't blame me for her death, e-even if your blame isn't _falsely_ put onto me. It still hurts – I mean, w-we were friends too, you know? I thought I was important too, but, I mean, um, I guess not?"

 _The filly took a deep breath, trying to gather herself. A false smile was plastered to her face, quivering madly. Tears had stained the pink fur of her cheeks, and she struggled to keep her voice as bubbly as she could in the letter, trying not to let her façade waver. Even in pain, she never wanted to make those whom she still considered her friends sad. Laughter was her element, after all, and she still craved seeing other ponies smile, especially after being shunned like she was. Bags were deep and dark beneath her eyes, and she was thinner than she used to be. Sleep, cake and sweets had lost their charm._

 __"U-Um, anyways. I'm sorry that this is taking so long. I-I hope you get this letter. And I hope, um… I hope that you actually read it. I-It's going to be the last one, I promise! I'm sure that'll make you happy."

 _A few droplets of water fell onto the letter, smearing a few letters. She raised a hoof and wiped her tears from her face, though it was to no avail, since they were incessant._

 __"A-After she died, and after you all started ignoring me, I-I left. I know you know that I did, but… Well, when I did, I stopped feeling after a while. The only lingering feelings I've still got are, um, not very like me. I don't like them. I don't like always feeling sad, and feeling regret. Sometimes, especially lately, I don't e-even feel anything at all! Isn't that funny!"

 _She bit her bottom lip. This was so much harder than she thought it would be._

 __"W-Well, anyways. I'm sorry that this is taking so long to get across. Really, I really super-duper hope you read this one. Even if you don't respond, just, please, please read it. I-I know I already said it, but, um, this is the last letter I'm sending. I-I won't, um, be able to send more after tonight.

"What I'm going to do is incredibly selfish. M-My biggest mistake ever, besides accidentally causing her death when she saved me. But, um, even though it is selfish, I don't think anyone will care! Or, um, I think it'll make you all happy! I hope you guys smile. This is the last thing I could think of doing, after all, and I've always been nothing but fun and laughs, you know that!"

 _She took a deep breath._

 __"Again, I'm sorry that this is such a long and repetitive letter, and I really hope you read it. This is, um, goodbye! I'm not going to, well, um, w-well… I won't be around anymore after tonight. When you get this letter, I'll be, um… Gone. So you won't have to worry about me anymore, if you have been worried, and you won't have to be mad that she died and I didn't.

"I know you'll never forgive me for causing her death. I don't blame you! I-I just hope you're all doing well, and that you'll be happy after finding out I'm gone. And, if you are sad that I'm gone, don't be! It's not your fault. I'm the one who decided on this. I-I might regret it later, sure, but… I just can't think of any other path to go down anymore. There is no more future that I can see, even with my weird senses and my crystal ball."

 _A real smile spread across her face and she chuckled for a split moment upon remembering when her "unscientific" senses were questioned by her then-unicorn friend. Even if her friends had hurt her badly, she still thought fondly of them, and was fond of the good memories that she did have, even if they left her with incomprehensible sadness after recalling them._

 __"I was doing fine through these years that we've been apart. I mean, not fine-fine, but fine enough to not, um… Resort to this. This spring has been the worst. And I just can't deal with this… depression. Not anymore. I can't be strong anymore. I'm tired of being lonely. I'm tired of being sad. I'm tired of being alive, at the cost of _her_ life. I'm tired of being blamed, and I'm tired of blaming myself. I'm just… tired.

"I've been crying without warning most of the days, recently, even when I wasn't even feeling any feelings! When I am feeling, it's always regret and sorrow. Sometimes I'd sit and wonder if you guys still thought of me, and if you ever worried. I'm sure you didn't, but I still had hoped that you did.

"Again, if you are sad, don't be. This was my choice. A decision _I_ made. It's not your fault that this happened. I just couldn't be strong anymore, and I just couldn't deal with how I felt anymore. I can't deal with remembering the day she died. I can't deal with being alone. So, um… again, goodbye.

"P.S. – Don't forget to smile, even when you're scared or sad! It might not have worked for me, but I'm sure it'll work for you, and help you through really bad times! I love you guys! Goodbye!"

 _She inhaled and exhaled deeply, signing the end of her letter with "Love, Pinkie Pie." She shakily folded it up and struggled to get it in the envelope, that, unlike all of the others she had sent, wasn't a special color or scented or filled with confetti. She didn't sign the envelope before she went out and dropped it off at the post office. She knew it was wrong to trick them, but she hoped that making it look normal and not having her name on it as the sender would at least get her friends to open it rather than immediately throw it away. Once that task was done, she made her way back to her home, where a rope was already readily strung up. It was a very amateur noose. She hoped it'd do its job, and she hoped it'd hold her weight. She placed a chair beneath it, got onto the chair, and took a deep, deep breath._

 __"Come on every pony, smile, smile, smile, fill my heart up with sunshine, sunshine…"

 _She lost her balance._


	2. Word of Change

Princess Twilight Sparkle was used to receiving letters. Junk mail, fan mail, important letters, sometimes even silly little love notes from the fillies at the nearby school. All of them were expected, and all of them were usual. She was, after all, a grown mare, and receiving and sorting such things was a normal and daily chore.

She often received letters from her friends, save for Rainbow Dash, who wasn't much for writing, even _if_ Twilight _had_ managed to get her into reading. Rarity and Fluttershy were good about writing to her often, though, even if she did see them on a regular basis. Princess Celestia wrote her equally as often about all sorts of matters, as well – important things, silly happenings in the castle in Canterlot, you name it, Celestia wrote it.

On occasion, Twilight would receive heartbreaking letters from the Apple Family. Sometimes one of the hardworking ponies even visited – usually Apple Bloom, sometimes Granny Smith, and on the rare moon, Big Mac. Twilight sighed in relief when there were no letters from them in her mailbox on this day. Their letters always saddened her and filled her with anger, then the anger was always quickly replaced with a regret that she could do nothing about. It was too late for any of that. The feelings were especially prevalent if a letter from _**her**_ arrived in Twilight's mailbox. Twilight occasionally read _**her**_ letters, but was often too upset by their normalcy to bother to, and often just threw them away upon seeing them in her mailbox.

Apple Jack was gone. If Pinkie… She shook her head, not wanting to remember the day the pink pony caused the death of the orange-colored mare. It wasn't _really_ Pinkie Pie's fault. She _knew_ that, and yet, she couldn't help but blame her. It wasn't on purpose. Celestia knows the Apples blamed her, too, when it happened. Even if they didn't blame her anymore, and even if that was always the subject of their letters and visits to Twilight and her friends – forgiving Pinkie Pie – she just _couldn't._ She really, truly wanted to. But she couldn't. It filled her with regret and agony knowing that she couldn't, even if it wasn't really Pinkie's fault. Pinkie had fallen into the river in a bout of her usual clumsiness and playfulness, and the current was too powerful for the little pony to fight. Apple Jack had jumped in after her to save her, and had succeeded in doing so.

If only Apple Jack could have also come out alive. Maybe then things would be okay, and everypony's lives wouldn't have had to have changed so drastically.

The blame for Apple Jack's drowning, unfortunately but naturally, as mentioned before, fell almost immediately upon Pinkie Pie. She barely defended herself, and accepted all of the harsh things said and done to her, having decided herself that the blame was not falsely placed. She accepted the silent treatment given to her and she accepted the unintentional bullying from her once-friends. Eventually, though, she had had enough and left.

Twilight was sorry for it all. Truly, she was. She wished she could take it all back. She wished she could just forgive Pinkie Pie and move on. But she, for Celestia knows why, wasn't able to. She sighed, biting her bottom lip, and looked at her pile of letters again.

It truly was a usual pile of letters, thankfully void of any Apple stamps. However… one letter stood out over the rest as Twilight sorted them. It wasn't junk mail, or at least, it didn't seem to be. It wasn't signed. It had no return address, and all of the writing on the envelope was done with cut-out letters which Twilight assumed had once lived within the pages of a magazine of some sort. It was extraordinarily strange, and she was intrigued. Curiosity led her to open it immediately. However, when she did and saw the handwriting, she glared and inhaled sharply with surprise.

 _ **Pinkie Pie had sent this letter.**_

Twilight was angered to have been tricked, and was instantly bitter upon seeing the swirly handwriting of the pink pony, and she almost immediately threw it away, as she had done with most other letters from the mare. However… so many things about this letter struck her as odd, and concerning.

The paper and ink on it had stains, when inspected, as if cried upon. Pinkie didn't use scented and colored paper, or confetti, or sign the envelope. So many things were off, and Twilight's anger subsided into immense worry for her former friend. She sat and began to read. She started reading slowly, but as she read, her eyes began to fly over the written words more quickly, in a panicked manner. Her body shook, and her fur and feathers stood on end. She dropped the letter and took off in a gallop, not explaining to Spike when he asked what was going on and where she was going, and she spread her wings and took to the sky as soon as she was outside.

This had to be a joke. Pinkie Pie would never… No, not the Pinkie Twilight remembered. But Twilight had to recall that Pinkie was shunned by her friends, including Twilight herself, and had inadvertently caused the death of another. Pinkie's letters that had seemed so normal up to now… had they been a cry for help? Twilight, Rarity, Fluttershy and Rainbow Dash had been so awful, then, getting angry at and throwing away the sullen cries of a lonely and desperate filly, if that was the case! At least she remembered the address from the letters. She hoped Pinkie still lived there, and she hoped she wasn't too late. She hoped to Celestia it was a joke.

She landed on the doorway of the small, run-down and barely-there home. It made Twilight sad to know that Pinkie had been staying in… _well_. Something that could barely be considered shelter. She checked the door, her terror growing when she found it to be unlocked, and she prayed to Celestia once more that it was a bad joke, or that she wasn't too late if that letter truly was real.

But there, in front of her when she hurried inside, gently swung the pale and thin pink corpse of the mare that once made smiles shine so bright.

Twilight screamed and cried and sobbed. She trembled, carefully approaching the lifeless mare and taking her down from the noose – Oh Celestia, she was so _thin_ – and she held and rocked Pinkie back and forth, apologizing again and again, wailing uncontrollably over the pink mare's body as she did so. Life had, again, been changed forever for her. If only she could have been grateful that Apple Jack had managed to save the life of Pinkie Pie back then, even if Apple Jack herself was lost at the time. Maybe then Pinkie would still be alive now, and would have continued to give smiles to Twilight and everypony else.


	3. Strangled Sobs and Disbelief

Pinkie Pie had always been a kind and cheerful pony. She had always been so happy, smiling brighter than anypony Twilight and the others knew. She was always happy and was always trying as hard as she could to spread and share that happiness of hers with everypony else.

But, she had a secret. Twilight had known that. Subconsciously, she believed that all of her friends had known that Pinkie Pie wasn't the most stable of ponies when it came to her mentality.

When she arrived home after finding the pink pony's body and after calling for police, she was a mess. She couldn't believe it – how could this have happened? She had… She had failed at friendship _so badly_ that it led Pinkie Pie to… She winced, crying harder than she had been before. Pinkie Pie's lifeless body, swinging gently on the rope that strangled her neck, it… The image would never leave Twilight.

It was her fault. She should have seen the signs. She should have read Pinkie Pie's letters. She should have _done_ something.

But she didn't. She didn't do anything, and instead… She and the others drove Pinkie Pie away, into solitude, leaving the party pony to fester in her loneliness and self-hatred. She and the others never forgave the poor filly, and instead, they had always told her how it was her fault Apple Jack had died before Pinkie Pie left, and then ignored every attempt at contact Pinkie had made thereafter. Twilight Sparkle swallowed, trying not to sob too loudly, and the sound that escaped her throat had a strangled air to it. Stranged. Strangled, strangled, strangled, strangled…!

Strangled, gasping for life, strangled, dying, strangled, a noose, strangled, a dead body swaying before her.

Strangled.

She gagged and ran as quickly as she could to her trash can, expelling her earlier meal.

Strangled. Strangled like how Pinkie's corpse was when she found her former friend. Strangled. It sickened her to think about it, and to think about anything that was even remotely similar.

Strangled. A broken neck. A rope. Tear-stained cheeks. Bags under eyes. Skin and bones. So thin, so _thin_ , so _light,_ so _tiny._

She cringed and felt bile crawling up her throat yet again. She sobbed, and she gasped, and she cried. It was _her fault._ She was the Princess of Friendship, for Celestia's sake, and she had failed at friendship so badly that a pony – a _friend_ – had committed suicide! She croaked and threw up again over thinking about having to tell the others.

"…Twilight…? Are you alright?"

The question was soft and the voice behind it sounded extremely concerned.

"Spike, I…" She almost lied, but she stopped herself. "I'm… I-I'm not okay, Spike, I…"

"What's wrong? Can I help? Do you want me to get a book for you to read so you can calm down? I… I'll listen if you want to talk, Twilight, I – "

It was too much. She had support – such unfaltering, unconditional support. Support that Pinkie Pie probably craved and dreamed of having. She didn't deserve it.

"Spike. I… I need you to get Rarity, Fluttershy a-and Rainbow Dash, I… I need to tell you all something."

"Okay, but… I don't want to leave you alone. You're crying and getting sick, and– "

"I may not be alright, but I can still handle being alone for a little bit. Just… Please, Spike?"

The dragon slowly nodded after some time had passed, and finally left, though reluctantly, to fetch the other ponies as Twilight had requested.

The purple pony sighed, trembling, finally feeling well enough to at least not hug the trash can anymore. She slowly paced around the room, staring at the floor, pondering. How would she tell the others? What would she say, would they… Would they even care?

Unfortunately, she didn't have much time to think about it, as Spike arrived with the others much more quickly than she had expected. They all had such worried looks on their faces: no doubt Spike said something about her sudden breakdown and bouts of sickness. Twilight was so, so lucky.

Unlike Pinkie.

"Oh, good heavens, Twilight… Whatever is the matter, Darling?" Rarity asked, trotting up to her and looking her over. "You look simply _awful_!"

"Yeahhh, Rarity's definitely got that right," Rainbow Dash pitched in. "You look like you just got done losing a hundred races in a row!"

"It's worse than that." Twilight swallowed, watching as the ponies and her faithful dragon all took seats around her. "I-I… It's…" She burst into tears again, and Fluttershy walked up to her and put a wing around her, smiling comfortingly.

"What's wrong, Twilight? Shhh, everything is alright, we're here –"

"NOTHING IS ALRIGHT! P-Please, I… let me say it? I… You all need to know, I…" She sobbed, and the others all got quiet, not quite knowing what to expect now. They looked at each other, wondering who hurt Twilight so much that she'd be acting like this, and wondering exactly what they did to hurt her so badly. Their attention was recaptured when Twilight spoke again. "P-Pinkie Pie, she's…" Anger was quickly present on their faces at the mention of the pink pony, but they waited quietly for Twilight to finish speaking. "She's… She's dead."

They were all shocked, and they waited, again, since it seemed Twilight had more to say.

"S-She… She -!" The princess sobbed, almost breaking down like she had earlier. "She… She killed herself…!"

To this, Rainbow Dash made an annoyed sound. "Her? Yeah right. What, did she send you a letter or something about it?"

Rarity scoffed as well, nodding. "I… I have to agree with Rainbow Dash. That pony was much too silly to ever do something _so_ serious as that. Much to happy, too."

"She hanged herself." When Twilight said this, their murmurs quieted down again. "I… I found her."

The others stared at her in disbelief.

"She was never stable. We all knew that, didn't we? Deep down?"

They continued to stare, not sure of what to say; not sure if this was even real.

"She did send me a letter. It was her note." Twilight Sparkle stood, dejectedly finding the parchment with tear-smeared letters, lightly placing it in front of the others to read. "And I went to find where she'd been staying. And I…!" She took a deep breath, trying to calm herself enough to get herself through this. "We all blamed her for what happened to Apple Jack. And instead of being grateful for Apple Jack saving her, and happy that _she_ at least survived, we pushed her away. We blamed her. We called her a murderer. Even though it wasn't her fault."

"Twilight–!"

"I'm not finished, Spike!" She inhaled deeply, glad that they were silent again. "She was never stable. She… She had an inferiority complex, didn't she? And she was always scared she'd be replaced or abandoned. And we… we proved her fears right. We even told her that it was her fault one of our friends – one of _her_ friends – died. She was… How could any of us think she was okay with that? That she'd just bounce back up wherever she moved to and act like it was all a joke?! Then, we kept on ignoring her!" She was pacing back and forth. "Her home, the place she moved to, it… It was small. It had a leaky roof, and was really run-down, it… It wasn't good. It didn't look like it'd be a healthy place to live in at all. And she, P-P-Pinkie, she… she was so _thin,_ it was like, I-I… She was skin and bones. It was like she gave up eating and living altogether. And she looked so sick, and tired, and… and she died with a smile, but her smile was so… S-Sad. She's dead. She killed herself. W-W-We… we pushed her too far. Her funeral will be next week. I'm… I'm going to go to it." She sobbed, and the others continued to sit in stunned silence.

"W-What have we done, we… I-I-I… I… We failed. We all failed. I failed. We failed. She's… She tied up a noose and she used it. You're all here for me when I need you, and I'm grateful and so lucky for that. But…

"Where were we when she needed us? Why weren't we there for her?"

 _ **A/N: Please leave a review and any comments you have! And if you have questions or suggestions, I'd love to answer and hear them. Thank you so much for reading! Sorry if sometimes the grammar and stuff don't seem to make much sense. I didn't get to proofread this chapter as much as the others, and, along with that, it's supposed to be hectic since the emotions of Twilight are, themselves, hysteric over everything. For this reason, it's supposed to give a rushed, broken, and almost panicked vibe when being read. Sorry for that, and, again, thank you for reading this!**_


	4. Silence

The sound of nothing truly was terrifying.

The funeral came. The funeral went. Nopony was dealing with the situation well.

Twilight had gone quiet, and was shutting herself in her library more and more.

The Apples spoke with silent gestures, mourning the one they had forgiven so long ago. Mourning one that they had come to accept as another part of their family back when Pinkie had found that scroll of genealogy at Twilight's.

Rarity drowned herself in her work, biting her quivering bottom lip each time tears threatened to fall.

Fluttershy relied on her animal friends to keep her going, audibly blaming her lack of her element of kindness. Audibly calling herself a failure.

Rainbow Dash was avoiding the rest, partaking in as many sporting events as she possibly could, accidentally pushing the blame onto the others whenever she was around them and apologizing whenever she realized before flying away again.

Truly, everypony was a complete mess. Starlight Glimmer, Twilight Sparkle's faithful student, watched in terror as months passed like this. She watched and she listened, trying to think of something, anything to help to reverse this mess that her dear friends now found themselves in.

When Twilight emerged one day, bringing up Time Travel, Starlight yelled at her and reprimanded her teacher for even thinking of messing with the timeline. If she were to go back and change things, what would she change besides the dead being alive? What would she inadvertently destroy by saving them? Plus, Twilight would remember the whole ordeal of this timeline. She might cause worse by acting strangely around her currently-deceased friends.

But, what was to be done, then? They could not forget Apple Jack. They could not forget Pinkie Pie. No… No, they could not, and they shouldn't.

"Twilight?" Starlight spoke, apprehensively, as to not cause another episode of unexpected, sudden, and random rage in her teacher – something that had, unfortunately, been becoming relatively common, especially towards the luckless Spike. When the Alicorn did not respond, Starlight continued.

"Twilight, this has to stop. You, Rainbow Dash, Fluttershy, Rarity… You all need to get together. You all need to talk." Still, silence was Starlight's answer from the Princess.

"Twilight, please. Spike's lonely. He needs you, you're practically his mother! The Owl- he needs you, too! Your friends need you! _**I**_ need you!"

Finally, Twilight opened her door and replied, although it was rather unpleasant. The anger was back, but at least this time Starlight had expected it.

"WHAT DO _YOU_ KNOW ABOUT FRIENDSHIP? WHAT DO I KNOW?! WHAT IF, IF I KEEP CALLING THEM MY FRIENDS, THEY DIE TOO?! HOW LONG WILL THEY BE ALIVE, STARLIGHT, HOW LONG WILL THEY BE AROUND IF THEY HAVE A FAILURE LIKE ME AROUND THEM?!"

It was Starlight's turn to be angry.

" **SHUT** _ **UP**_! You and the others have been feeling sorry for yourselves long enough, Twilight! Stop being so selfish! Stop making this be about _you_! This _isn't_ about you! I can't stand to see you and the others keep going like this! You're all falling apart and making yourselves out to be nothing more than brittle and fragile little pieces of glass, and you're all acting like breaking yourselves all the time is the right thing to do! Well, it's time for me to teach you something, Twilight. Making yourselves into the victims in all of this is _not_ the right thing to do. What do you think Apple Jack would say? What do you think _Pinkie_ would say?!"

It struck a nerve, and Twilight went quiet, much like she did when Starlight yelled at her for talking Time Travel not so many days before. She stood rigid, staring at her pupil, stunned. Then, seemingly out of nowhere, she made a harrumphing sound and magically slammed her room's door shut in Starlight's face.

It wasn't the first time she had done that this week.

Starlight sighed, beginning to think about what else she could possibly do. When a tiny voice spoke up from behind her, she was startled, quickly turning to see who had spoken up.

"U-Um… Starlight?" It was Spike. Starlight turned her full attention onto him.

"Yes, Spike?" he perked up a tiny amount. The poor thing had been all but ignored since the funeral, and that was cruel. He was still a child, a _baby_ , and he was more in need of his mother's – of Twilight's – love than ever. He was lost, confused, and it was clear to her that the dragon was beginning to think that Twilight was avoiding him on purpose, cutting him out of her life because she was done with him and no longer needed or loved him. Regardless of how untrue that was, a child's mind was easily corrupted and led into the darkness of fear…

Especially when that child had known (or, rather, completely believed) that he was abandoned by his birth parents as an egg. Especially when that child knew he was adopted. He must feel as though he was being abandoned again, and he probably never truly felt that he fit in with his adoptive parent and her friends, making it that much harder for him to believe otherwise.

Truly, Twilight and the others knew not the hurt they were causing not only each other, but everyone else in their lives.

"D-Did… Did you talk to Twilight just now…?" His eyes were fearful but still had a small, dim light of hope in them. This was just too cruel.

"…Yes. At least, I tried."

"A-A-And, u-um, how is she? W-What did she say?"

"She's… the same, Spike." She hated that she had to answer him in this way, because the tiny bit of lingering hope was instantly extinguished and replaced by tears.

"O-Oh… Hey, u-um, Starlight?"

"What is it, Spike?"

"Do you… D-Do you think she won't talk to me because I did something wrong? Do you think she thinks it's my fault that Pinkie-"

"No, oh, Spike, no. No, no, no, that's not it at all! She just… She doesn't know what she's feeling, and neither does anypony else. They're all feeling too sorry for themselves to understand that they're… that they aren't dealing with things the way they should be." She wanted to hug the poor thing, but she didn't want to overstep her bounds. She wanted to tell him that everything would be alright, and that everything would go back to normal. But she couldn't… She didn't want to lie to him. She didn't want to fill him with a false hope that would turn his mind yet darker. She took a deep breath and spoke again before he could question what she meant.

"They should be talking to each other. To you, to everypony, not shutting themselves away and avoiding everything. They need to say how hurt they are to each other, to themselves. They need to accept it, and move on. But instead… They're just trying to forget, and that never leads to any good. They're keeping it all inside, and trying to pretend that it didn't happen, that nothing bad ever happened at all. They're trying to forget Apple Jack and Pinkie Pie. They're pretending, and it's all wrong, Spike, it's all so, so wrong. It's making them hurt worse in their hearts, and it's making them drive all of their friends who are still with them away, and its making them… it's making them lose more than they've already lost, and it's making them hurt others more, which is awful, because it's the one thing they're trying to avoid. They're pushing you away because they don't want to hurt you. They don't see that pushing you away hurts you worse than letting you in. I… I should know. They're the ones who taught me that."

Spike's scales drooped further than they had all week. Starlight wasn't certain that he had understood all that she had said, and she certainly hoped that he didn't create any misunderstandings. She sighed, and decided that patting his head, at least, should be alright without being too touchy.

"Listen, Spike. May I ask you to do me a favor?"

Spike perked up a little, as he did earlier. He always loved feeling useful… perhaps it made him feel like less of something that could be abandoned and thrown away. Thinking that that might be why he loved helping so much caused Starlight's heart to sting.

"Y-Yes, Starlight! Of course!"

"I need you to send a letter to Celestia for me. I'm going to ask her and Luna for help with everyone. I'm sure that that could help us fix things, even a little – enough to at least get them to talk about their feelings." After saying this, Starlight took one last glance over at Twilight's room's door. She hoped to Celestia that this would work. She prayed that it would help. She wasn't certain how much longer she – or, more importantly, Spike – could handle hearing nothing but silence from Twilight and the others.

Silence, after all, was a terrifying thing.


	5. Remembering to Hope

_Pinkie Pie paced back and forth. This was probably… no, it had to be, the worst that she'd felt in all the time since she'd been… well, banished from Ponyville._

 _She inhaled. She exhaled. She took another deep breath, trying so, so hard not to cry. She was so tired of crying. She was exhausted from it. Her voice was hoarse from her wailing, her eyes dry from the amount of salty tears that they expelled. Her face was numb from frowning and forcibly trying to turn her frown upside down._

 _She continuously checked outside of her window to see if anypony was coming by. She kept going outside, albeit briefly, to check to see if any mail for her had come, besides the notes that she'd been getting warning her of her coming eviction from her current address. This was her third home since her banishment, and, like the others, she just didn't have the bits to keep living in it. She had to find somewhere new, and, hopefully, she'd find that new place sometime soon._

 _She sighed as she continued to gaze out of her window. As per usual, on this day, like every other day before it, nopony came._

 _The thought caused a harsh sob to wrack through her body, and she tried, again, to ignore it. She had forgiven her friends for shunning her so long ago. She just wished that they'd forgive her, too._

 _She laid herself down on a rug on her floor, just focusing on breathing and feeling nothing but the apathy that had become all too common for her. Feeling nothing… it was so frightening. It reminded her of just how alone she felt, and whenever she would cry, she sometimes didn't even know – or even_ _ **remember**_ _– what it was that she was crying for. However… feeling nothing, it… Sometimes it was comforting, somehow. She couldn't explain it. While it scared her to feel nothing at all, sometimes it almost made her feel… better. Nothing was something that seemed far greater than recalling how much she hated herself. Nothing was something that, sometimes, seemed far greater than feeling anything at all. Partly because, she supposed, whenever she felt something, it was heart-piercing regret. Pain, sorrow, and anguish. Fear and realization… She breathed again._

 _What if the others never forgave her…? Tears began to overflow again, and, before she knew what she was doing, she stood and walked over to her small desk area. She took a sheet of paper and a quill, finding her ink and beginning to write to someone she hadn't written to in a very, very long time._

"Dear Princess Celestia… Oh, what do I even say, I… O-Okay. Well, um, 'Dear Princess Celestia' is a start… Um… Oh! Dear Princess Celestia… I hope that this letter finds you in good health.

"I know that I haven't written to you in a long, long time, and I… I know that you probably know why. T-Twilight and the others – Oh… Sorry, **Princess** Twilight and the others seem to be… done with me. And I'm beginning to believe that I'll never be forgiven. I don't blame them, because, I mean, it **was** my fault, after all… But… Well, y-you see, I… I just don't know what to do anymore, Princess Celestia. I'm scared. I'm lonely, I… I don't want to wake up anymore, you know? I… I have no hope for any mornings to come, it's all… it's all faded away. And, you know, I'm really, really scared.

"I-I've been writing letters to Maud and my other sisters. T-To my mom and dad, too, but, um… I… Maud's, I think, a bit… she doesn't know how to think of me, I think. She's best friends with Starlight Glimmer, you know? And Starlight is Princess Twilight's pupil, and… I think she was scared to take sides, I mean… I think. My other sisters and mom and dad don't really know too much of what happened, but I've always been… well, much more energetic than them, and they don't really appreciate too many letters. I write to them every once in a while, but, well, t-they don't write back too often. I'm starting to wonder if maybe they heard something about what happened, from Maud or the Apples maybe, and maybe… well, they're old-fashioned, you know? Maybe, u-um, they think that I… Maybe they think of me as a murderer, if they have heard. I don't blame them, I… I forgive everypony, you know? I forgive them. And I don't blame them for not forgiving me, I mean, I… I don't forgive me either."

 _She looked outside of her window, to the stars and the darkness that were waiting out there. For a moment, she smiled, but it disappeared as quickly as it had formed._

"I'm scared, Princess Celestia. I don't feel a lot anymore, but… s-sometimes, I'm… Glad." _She wrote 'glad' with very small letters compared to the rest of what she had written, and bravely took another breath._

"You see… Nothing is actually pretty nice, isn't it? When you're all alone, nothing is what's there for you, and the apathy of nothing is so… It's comforting compared to the hate that I've become used to. It's better than feeling like I could die from how sad I am, and it's better than remembering why I deserve to feel that way.

"Nothing is… It's, well, it's basically all that I have anymore. It's the only thing keeping me going. I… I don't have hope anymore, and I don't like that I keep waking up, but at least… At least, most of the time, I don't feel anything regarding things like that. At least I feel so little that it… It's really scary, but it doesn't hurt as much in my heart. I know that it's not good for me, but, I-I… I'm really glad that nothing exists, and I'm really glad that most of what I feel is nothing, even if, sometimes, nothing leads me to think about and even almost actually... Well, that's not so important.

"But, anyways, I'm… Sorry. I'm a failure, you know? I'm supposed to be Laughter. I'm supposed to spread happiness and hope, and ease the worries of others. But…

"All I laugh about anymore is how much I want to die, and all that I am anymore, is, well… Nothing.

"Sincerely… Pinkie Pie."

It had been over a year since Celestia had received that letter. Now, more than ever, it hurt her heart to look back at it. When she received the parchment, she shared it with Luna, asking for advice on how to respond. After all… She was never all that good in speaking about affairs of her, or anypony else's, emotions. Luna, however… She dealt with ponies' fears each and every night, and had received help for her own emotional turmoil. Luna might have known how to respond, and did indeed help her reply to the poor pink pony's letter.

Unfortunately, after the sisters sent their reassurances and advice, they never were sent a reply. They went to the address on the letter one day to try to talk to Pinkie Pie in person and to try to do all that they could to help her, but misfortune had yet again struck and they found that the party pony had been evicted from that address and was nowhere to be found. They asked around, even going to Twilight and Pinkie Pie's past friends in order to try to find her – but it seemed that none of them cared, and bringing up their once-friends caused them to grow angry. They wanted to tell Twilight and the others that the anger wasn't helping them or anypony else, but they were focused on finding Pinkie Pie and decided that they'd try to deal with that later.

When they were told the news of her suicide, it was… it certainly was a new era for them and the rest of Equestria to begin preparing for. While the Pillars had returned and while so many other things had been going right for their world, they had lost two of the representatives of the Elements of Harmony. Without Laughter and Honesty… the world certainly seemed to be turning upside down, and it made the royal sisters wonder who would be lost next.

Twilight Sparkle was… scarce, more so than she had been as of late, after Pinkie Pie's funeral. If Celestia were to be honest with herself and the rest of her subjects, all of the remaining elements were keeping themselves quite absent. It was disheartening and extremely worrying.

Then, a puff of green flames and smoke drew the sun raiser from her thoughts, and, surprisingly, a letter that could have only been sent by Spike flopped onto the ground beside her. She stared down at it with worry clouding her heart – the last time a letter had arrived from an old source, it was the one she had gotten from Pinkie. She lifted the letter, and with her magic, unfurled the small scroll.

It was from Starlight Glimmer.

Celestia read the mail with worry, but smiled a little as her eyes scanned the paper. It was a letter asking her and Luna for help, as Starlight was worried for Twilight and was in need of guidance, hoping to help to rejuvenate Twilight's sense of self and hoping to help the other elements as well.

She decided to change her plans for the next few days to be able to get all of her royal obligations done in a swifter but still proper manner, and asked Luna if she'd be able to do the same. They quickly sent a reply to Starlight, making plans for the coming week to be there and to talk with Twilight, Rarity, Rainbow Dash, and Fluttershy. They'd go to Ponyville and show them how their anger was affecting not just themselves and each other, but everypony around them as well. They'd help talk some sense into them, and they'd do all that they could to help them heal and to forgive Pinkie Pie, though it was too late to save the pink pony. And, more importantly… They'd help them forgive themselves. Hopefully, it'd save **them**.

Tomorrow is a new day. 

_**A/N: I wrote this to be here, but couldn't decide if I wanted it to come next or not after I got it done. I was able to edit it in a way to make me happy putting it in in this spot like I wanted while still having the next few chapters that I have planned coming after it – after all, it'll be a week in the story before Celestia can come along.  
However, even with that being the case, I'm still in turmoil on if I like the chronology of it yet or not. I just can't tell if the other chapters would make more sense coming before this one, even though I wrote this to be the next chapter. My head hurts.  
Anyways, I'm extremely grateful for all of the support that I've been getting so far, and I truly hope you all enjoy this chapter. Thank you so much for reading! Reviews are appreciated, and I reply to every one of them. If you have questions, let me know!  
~Lucylyles**_


	6. The Lost Boy

_Useless._ The word he used to tell himself the truth. _Worthless._ The word that told him just what he was. _Unnecessary._ The reality that he had to accept. _Unwanted._ The very thing that he knew he was ever since he was old enough to realize that he was different; abandoned; adopted.

He had been doing better. He saved the Crystal Empire along with Twilight Sparkle, his beloved parental figure. She had been growing and learning to treat him as her child rather than a servant or something even less than that. Ponies accepted that he was a dragon, and assured him that they still loved him even though he was different. That he would always be Spike; their beloved friend and companion, and that nothing could make them treat him any differently.

But he had always been treated differently. He slumped to himself, in the corner beside Twilight's room, pulling his knees to his chest with his clawed hands, his ears drooping. His eyes stared at the ground, dark, empty, and tired. His scales were dimmed, no longer shining like jades of green and purple hues. Truly, he had wilted like a flower without water. The ponies always seemed to tiptoe around him a little, and left him behind more often than not. They trusted him, yes, but it was also oh-so clear that he wasn't always the most welcome of visitors. He couldn't blame them. He wasn't a pony, and he was nothing more than an unwanted, abandoned child that Twilight had only just begun to learn how to properly raise.

He glanced at her door. He had been in the corner now for several days, save for occasional trips to the castle's nearest restroom. He wasn't eating, even though Starlight brought him food each day, and he barely got any sleep. He shivered occasionally from the cold, refusing to use the pillow and blankets that Starlight had placed beside him, and he wasn't exactly comfortable as a result of this decision. Honestly, he barely noticed all the trips Starlight made to see him. He didn't notice the food or comfort items very much: he was focused on Twilight's door.

He should have seen this coming. He should have known that this would happen someday. Twilight ignored him, and when she didn't, she was just so, so angry. She would yell at him when she came out from her room, and tell him that he was in the way among other hurtful things. She would always have a moment after saying something to him; his eyes would pool with tears, and she would cover her mouth with a hoof, her eyes just as tired as his, but with some regret reflecting in them as well. Even so, she never apologized. She would avert her gaze instead, and dejectedly walk away, leaving him behind to reflect on her newest insults.

He knew she was sad. He was sad too. He missed Pinkie Pie, and he missed Apple Jack, and he wished they could have done something and he wished he wasn't so useless and he wished he could just do something for once and- and-!

He trembled, sobbing silently to himself, curling more tightly into a ball.

He was a child. He didn't understand. He was smart, of course, regardless of what was said in some of Twilight's more recent regrettable insults, but he couldn't understand. He didn't know why Twilight was shutting everybody out, and why she was lashing at him so much. Was it all his fault? Did he do something wrong? Did she blame him for Pinkie-!

But there was nothing he could have done! He didn't know any of this would happen, he couldn't! He clasped his head on either side with his claws, scraping a little, trying to figure out this conundrum. Maybe her death **was** his fault. Maybe, somehow, **he** caused it. Even if he didn't, she blamed him, right? And she was Twilight, she wouldn't just blame him for nothing…

Maybe he was exactly what she was saying he was.

He should have seen this coming.

He should have seen this coming.

He should have seen this coming.

He should have seen this coming-!

He screamed silently, but his sobs grew in volume, his chest heaving as he gasped for air through tears. The tiny dragon scraped at his body with his claws, anywhere where they landed. He wasn't thinking, and the pain wasn't so bad. It helped. It helped him snap out of his stupor. Some of his scales chattered as they fell and hit the crystalline ground, bits of blood splashing along with them. He bit at his tail and arms, continuing to scrape at himself until he finally grew too exhausted to continue. He curled up on the ground, his body a mess of scratches, bites and scrapes, looking as though he was just attacked by some wild creature from the Everfree Forest.

Twilight didn't want him anymore. Pinkie died, and Apple Jack died, and it was his fault. He was useless, pathetic, worthless, unwanted, unloved, hated, and just unnecessary. As he made this realization – however untrue it was – his eyes darkened further. Dark, darker, yet darker. His mind became a void of nothing, apathy overcoming him.

He sat up after a long while and glanced one last time at the door, waddling away, rejected by the one he knew in his heart would eventually abandon him like all the rest, but had never wanted to believe. He wandered to his room, and grabbed a few things to take with him.

Where would he go? He didn't know. He didn't care. He just knew that this wasn't his home anymore. He wasn't wanted here. He wasn't wanted anywhere.

"Spike…?" The dragon wasn't expecting anyone to call for him, much less in such a worried way. He turned around to face the voice he had heard, slowly and lethargically, hardly registering that it was Starlight.

"Spike, what happened to you, you… You're all scratched up, and bloody, and…"

"It doesn't matter." He said it quietly, his words sounding just as empty as he felt on the inside. He looked away from her, unable to take her worried stare. Yet another creature to assure him and trick him into thinking they cared. She would leave him, too, just like his parents, just like Twilight. She approached him, and he didn't move.

"Are you going somewhere?" Her questions didn't end. Couldn't she see that nothing she did could help him? He was broken. Nobody needed him anyway.

…That last part, he said out loud, and she seemed to get angry.

"Spike! How could you even _**think**_ that?!" He flinched a little.

"Well… Twilight said so herself." Starlight looked taken aback by this comment. Then, she seemed to ponder her next words, very carefully choosing what to say.

"Spike… She… She didn't mean it. She's sick, she's…"

"She said it."

Starlight sighed and approached him, hugging him even when he tried to pull away. "She may have said it, but she didn't mean it. And… Even if she did, I… I still want you here, Spike." He felt his body tremble, and emotion crept its way back into his small being. He hiccupped, tears overflowing once more, but this time, with a small inkling of hope within them.

"You… You really mean that…?" He sounded so fragile. It broke Starlight's heart. It hurt her to see him like this, all battered and emotionally distant, barely holding on to the idea that somepony might care for him.

"Yes, of course I do. Now come on. We need to get you patched up, you silly dragon you. And while we get you cleaned and bandaged, I want you to talk to me, okay? Tell me anything you want. I'll listen." He looked away, ashamed.

"Do I have to explain why I…"

"You don't have to. Only talk about whatever caused… this," she motioned to his many wounds, "if you want to. And after you're done talking to me, and all cleaned up, let's get you some gemstones and cupcakes, and then we can do anything you want. Okay? I'll spend as much time with you as you let me."

"Y-You'll stay with me as long as I want?"

"As long as you want."

Spike felt a tiny smile grace his features. He hadn't smiled for so long; it felt almost foreign to him. But it was still there, even through all of his tears, and it was clear how relieved and happy Starlight was to see it.

Even if Twilight never came back to her senses, Starlight vowed, at this moment, to be there for this child. While Celestia had responded to her letter from a week prior, things had continued to delay the day she and Luna planned to come to talk with Twilight and the others. They were princesses ruling over a nation, so it was understandable. Starlight just hoped that the delays would stop coming, and that the princesses would be here soon. Twilight had become a venomous snake to the very child she raised, and it wasn't fair of her to expect Spike to understand even if she didn't mean what she said. It was cruel, and Spike didn't know what he was getting into each time he tried to speak with her. He didn't know what kind of creature she was when he picked her up, he didn't know she was filled with venom and lies. He just knew that he missed his mother.

She grimaced as she helped the boy clean up, disliking seeing just how much of a number he had done on himself. What if she didn't notice? She left him alone for the past few days, except for bringing him blankets, food and water when he refused to leave from beside Twilight's door, but he rarely took any of what she had offered. What would have happened if he had successfully left the castle, only to wander aimlessly away? What would have happened to him? …He could have been the next to die.

…If she wasn't careful, he still could be. He was fragile, his mind brittle and unstable. A child who wanted to die. A child who could very much end up just like Pinkie Pie. He had harmed himself. Her eyes flooded with concern and tears that she just barely managed to hide as she gazed, protectively, at the small draconic boy before her. How fared the others? How much longer would they all last without Celestia's guidance? How much longer would _Spike_ last?

No, she wouldn't think about this. She would keep writing to the princesses. She would check up on the others. Most importantly… She would be there for this lonely, abandoned dragon. She would be whatever he needed her to be, and she would help him with all that she could. Anything to keep him from looking so empty again.

Apathy spreads, and the sorrow shared by everyone she knew only grew deeper with each passing day. Before long, if she didn't hurry… all of her friends would waste away.


	7. Memories

How long had it been now? How long had it been since Fluttershy had wanted to smile? Years, she knew. But she didn't know how many years. Either way, it had been far too long _..._

 _"Fluttershy! Fluttershy, look! Look at how pretty and cute this flower is!"_

 _Fluttershy smiled at her energetic pink friend._

 _"I know that it's small, but isn't it just so pretty? What's it called?"_

 _"It's a forget-me-not, Pinkie," Fluttershy said with a giggle. Pinkie gathered a bunch of the flowers, meticulously creating a bouquet of purple and blue._

 _"Well, then, Fluttershy, here! So that no matter what, you forget-me-not!"_

It was such a silly, innocent little memory. One that Fluttershy had visited often in her dreams, especially recently. It always used to make her smile, but then it made her feel regret and anger over the years since she and the others had shunned the pink party pony.

Now it only brought anguish.

She felt tears well in her eyes as she wandered out into the twilight, stars beginning to twinkle in the sky as the sun began its journey below the horizon. She stopped for a moment, marveling in its beauty in its ever-graceful decent, and she took a deep breath.

 _"It's always so pretty."_

 _The yellow mare blinked, surprised at the unusually quiet remark from the blue-eyed party pony. "W-What is?"_

 _"The sunset. It's always so pretty and peaceful."_

 _"Yes... It is." She turned to face the endless aether that stood before them, unable to comprehend its vastness and its majesty. Rainbows in shades that were both dark and pastel washed over them as the sparkling of the night began, the sky darkening into a gentle and quiet veil of tranquility. Fluttershy looked to her friend, for once unafraid of the darkness as she gazed on Pinkie's smiling expression that only reflected peace as the pink mare gazed at the stars before closing her eyes, still facing upwards as she took it all in. Fluttershy couldn't help but edge closer, her fur brushing against Pinkie's as she leaned against her. Pinkie opened her eyes and looked at her, a warm and soft giggle escaping her lips like the gentle sound of a wind chime. She nuzzled Fluttershy, and Fluttershy couldn't stop herself from joining in, laughing, the calm night coming to life with their joyful melody._

 _"I've never liked the dark," Fluttershy murmured. "It's scary."_

 _"But I'm here with you, so you don't have to be scared! You're my friend, Fluttershy. I'll always be with you. You don't ever have to be scared or alone!"_

 _Fluttershy grinned and cuddled closer, warmth flooding through her as her heart swelled with happiness. Pinkie was right. As long as she had her friends, the dark wasn't so scary. As long as she had her friends, there would always be light._

"Do you see any over there, Angel? We can't have picked them all already..." Her little bunny shook his head when she looked over to him, and she sighed, looking dejectedly at the earth beneath her, almost giving up her search. Then, she turned her head as Angel squeaked again to get her attention, waving frantically to her and leaping into some underbrush behind her cottage. She stifled a joyous yet lonely cry when tiny blue and purple, and even some pink, flowers came into view in the fading light. She hugged her animal friend, tears pooling in her eyes before quickly flooding over.

"Oh, Angel bunny! Thank you!" The rabbit sighed and allowed the hug, knowing that Fluttershy needed it. When she finally put him down, he helped her gather a few of each color before sending her off on her way.

Fluttershy trotted hurriedly away from her home and through Ponyville to try to beat the looming darkness, but it didn't take long for her steps to slow and take on a more solemn form. She took a deep breath and opened the Ponyville Cemetery gate, silently making her way to the newest grave marker. It had already been a few weeks; grass was starting to grow on the soil that covered the coffin that held her departed pink friend. She gently removed the withered flowers from the previous night before placing down the fresh ones, then sat beside the stone that had Pinkie Pie's name, looking up at the sky.

"I wasn't kind to you when the accident happened, but you were always kind to me, weren't you?" She whispered to the unanswering stone as night fell over Equestria. She leaned onto the stone; unlike how her friend had been, the object was frigid to the touch. It made her feel even lonelier than she had been when they'd driven Pinkie Pie away, because now she knew that her friend would never come back. She closed her eyes and sniffled, holding her head high and facing the sky. Pinkie Pie didn't need to see her tears.

"T-The flowers I've been bringing each night... th-they're forget-me-nots. Remember...?" She sobbed, biting her lip and forcing a smile. "I wish that I didn't turn away from you. I wish that I would have sent letters back to you. It's been years since you left, and I always thought... hoped... that you'd come back, and that we'd all be friends again. I-I was angry, but I... I always wanted to forgive you. I'm sorry that I... t-that I didn't. Now... now I'll never see you again, and it's so much... I feel like everything is falling apart, and like, even though it's warm out... I feel like it's cold." As if on cue, she shivered. She laid down and nuzzled against the gravestone, crying onto it, wishing for her friend to come back, to forgive her for abandoning kindness, her very element, when Pinkie had needed it from her the most.

 _"Oh Fluttershy, you're so silly! Of course you're strong! You're one of the toughest ponies I've ever met! So stop your crying and get up! Show them what you're made of! I'm here for you, remember? No need to be afraid! You're never alone, okay? Me and Twilight and Rainbow Dash, Rarity and Apple Jack are all here for you and you never have to be scared! Even if we're not with you, we'll always be together! As long as we're in your heart and as long as you believe in yourself, there is nothing that you can't do!"_

The memories hurt so much. So, so much. But... she slowly took in a breath of air to calm herself, sitting back up as a gentle breeze chilled her. When it rustled the leaves of the nearby trees, her eyes widened when she thought she heard a warm, gentle giggle. She sat up and looked at the sky, finding new wonder in the stars as a real smile graced her features, and she closed her eyes, finding peace.

Pinkie Pie wouldn't want her to mourn. No... She'd want her to move on.

"I'll spend time with you every night, just like how I spend every morning with Apple Jack. I'll make up for the time we've lost, I promise. Because I'll forget-you-not." She chuckled quietly, finally feeling some of the burden of her regret being lifted after all of these years of feeling sorry for herself.

"Remember how we used to watch the sunset and then look at the stars together? You used to make up your own constellations and tell me stories, to help me feel happy and to stop being so scared. You helped me so much, Pinkie." She nuzzled the stone. "I promise I won't stop trying. I promise that from now on, I'll live life to its fullest, and that I'll try my best to fix things. I know that, deep down, the others want to fix things, too. It'll be hard, but don't worry. We'll figure it out together, just like how we always used to."

Another light gust blew, and Fluttershy smiled at the sky as the jingling of the leaves sounded like another giggle, approving of her newfound desire to live.

"We'll make it. I promise."

She took in a long breath through her nostrils, the soft scent of the flowers she had brought and the smell of the night air reminding her of her newly-lost friend, just as the smell of cupcakes and baking did.

As Celestia and Luna prepared for their coming visit at the end of the week, Fluttershy had finally come to terms with Pinkie's death. She bid farewell to the grave, making her way back to her cottage for the night, for once, unafraid of walking alone in the dark.

Hope was on the horizon, just like the setting sun.


End file.
